i've been thinking, over thinking.

sometimes i stress myself out to the point of not sleeping. it's a terrible habit, i know, but i can't help it. i've always been this way. it's like i can't shut my mind off at night and i just lay and think and lay and think and lay and think and then, before i know it, the sun is up and it's time to start another day. for about four days last week this happened to me every single night. i was a walking zombie for days on end. i'm stressed about money. money, money, money. i know this is a very present issue for most people, but it never really was for me. growing up, my parents provided me with everything. i went to college and graduated debt free thanks to scholarships and then immediately started a well paying job in conway and was very financially secure. i had it made.

i then decided i was going to move out here and yes, there probably should have been a tad more saving on my end (ok, ok, a TON more saving on my end) but honestly i had no idea it would be so different. the most i ever paid for rent in arkansas was $300. here i pay $450, and i don't even have my own bedroom and i share a bathroom with a boy (gross! lol!).  i figured, oh, i'll work a part-time job and i can easily get enough money for rent and bills, no biggie. YEAH RIGHT! i work two, yes TWO, part-time jobs averaging 40 hours a week making above minimum wage and i am barely making ends meet. but, i am. i am making ends meet. bills are getting paid, groceries are being bought, rent is taken care of, yet at night i still feel unsettled. i re-live my day and think "maybe i shouldn't have spent that dollar at wetzel's pretzel's "(for you arkansans, OMG it's so good!) or "maybe i shouldn't have driven to target to look around because i wasted gas."  these are something i never would have though about back at home, yet now it seems this is all that's on my mind.

maybe it's me growing up. i've realized since being here, i have me, and no one else to rely on. it was my choice to leave my cushy life back home for an adventure and never knowing what the day brings. yes, money is tight. no, i can't just spend, spend, spend. but, i'm happy. i, me, moved away from everything i've ever known with less that a sufficient amount of money, got two jobs, an awesome apartment, and proved to myself just how strong i really am. i know that no matter what is thrown my way, i'll be ok. everyday is a life lesson for me, and that in it of itself is worth more than paper money any day.

once i realized this, i've been sleeping like a baby. i just need to stop over thinking. :)