dreams.

so i've been working like crazy these past few weeks and i haven't really had time to think about anything...but something hit me really hard the other night and i've been pondering over it ever since.  john and i's friend kris is in town and we went to dinner the other night with a lot of creative minds. so, we're sitting at dinner and we're going around the table doing the whole "general introduction" thing, the "so how long have you been in LA?, what do you want to do?" questions. the entire table had amazing dreams and stories. they are writers, musicians, actors... then it got to me. i looked around the table and thought i don't fit. i said "i don't know." this is when kris quickly chimed in and said "yes she does, she wants to work for TOMS"

ok, not that i had forgotten what i want to do, or even that i don't want to do it anymore, it just seems like sometimes i don't deserve this city. this city is where people come to chase dreams, to become something. and i'm here, not in the industry, not doing anything cool like making my second album, writing music or acting. i feel like i'm not allowed to be here. like i'm taking up space that someone way cooler than me could be having. i mean i don't even know what i want to be when i grow up, i don't know where to focus my energy or what dream to follow. i mean yes, i want to work for TOMS, more than anything in this world. that is the dream i'm following. but its not like i grew up with this dream. i feel like everyone here has been chasing after this one things since they were a child. they've been doing what they do for years, but me, i have nothing to show, no childhood stories of my first band when i was a teenager or teaching myself to play and instrument or my first song i wrote on a napkin. no videos of my plays or theatre productions or an acting reel of me doing commercials or modeling shots. all i have is a paper degree, and a year under my belt at united way.

don't get me wrong, i know not everyone is meant to be one of these things or in the "industry" but when you live in a town that is literally a mecca for writers, actors, musicians, it's to be expected that i might feel like this. i love it here. best. city. ever. but for me to be here, i mean really be here i need to follow my dream full force. i mean i know i just blogged about taking steps and not forgetting why i'm here but i really have to do this thing, and not give up. i need to be like the struggling actor or the musician who takes any gig just to have a show. i need realize that even though my dream isn't going to win me a grammy or an oscar, it's MY dream and it will make ME happy and i can be happy in this city. i belong here. at least for now! :)