Me....

So.. it's been a while. I've been working at "the barn" (aka Pottery Barn) and trying to take further steps to a semi-permanent life here. Sometimes I get so frustrated knowing the I could be doing something worthwhile, and instead I'm selling furniture. Which, I suppose I need to just stop and be thankful that I have a job. 

I just feel like I'm forgetting my talents and loosing my abilities. I don't remember the last time I interviewed someone, had a deadline, designed a layout or edited something... and I miss it. I miss the thrill of being under pressure, the joy of making a layout so aesthetically pleasing, the love of my red editing pen. I need these things. I need to remember how it felt boarding the plane for the first time to Africa. The smells in the market in Thailand. The lust I had for adventure and discovery. I feel so contained sometimes. I miss my wanderlust. 

I feel like these things were who I was, and now I'm.. well, LA. I feel like it's harder for me to just jump over to Mozambique for a month and hang out in Quillamine when I have to work to survive. I guess what I'm saying is the move to LA was exciting and a step into adulthood, but I don't want it to mean the end of me doing what I love. Helping people. Traveling. Being my creative and amazing self. 

This city can make you loose sight of things and I won't let it happen to me. Boom.  

what happened?

for the past two weeks i've been desperately trying to talk to my friend ashley. she lives in texas and works like crazy, so with the time difference and our completely opposite work schedules it has been anything but easy to try and communicate. finally, yesterday she called at the perfect time and we actually got to catch up on life. heres the deal. ashley and i have been friends for a while, like 4 years, and were even roommates for a while, so we know each other pretty well. we've traveled overseas together, spring break-ed together, lived together, i mean we experienced college together, then she got a big girl job doing news broadcasting in texas and poof, she was gone. then i moved to LA and since then we've only talked a few times. but yesterday we both agreed. what happened? how did we get to be adults? how did we both move away from conway? how do you do it, grown up life that is? we contemplated the perils of adulthood and all that it meant.
and let me tell you, it sucked.

we chatted for over an hour about things like how hard it is to make friends, how do you feel like your a part of anything other than work, etc. it's just that in school we had dorms and organizations to help us find friends and we had campus events and clubs that we were a part of so that we were involved. now i just go to work, come home and watch tv then go to bed. it's hard especially because we completely started over considering we moved to new cities as well. it's so difficult to put yourself out there and try and meet people. it really is. i was telling her how lonely i am and how i feel alone even though i have my roommate and several friends i've met out here. it's just not the same as having your friends from back home. we had an incredible group of friends. gosh. like, people look their whole lives for the friendship we had. it's the stuff they make movies about. i mean, you think i'm kidding or being dramatic, but i'm dead serious. this time last year we were planning the most epic spring break ever. it was the best week of my life.


this is when we were carefree college kids wasting our day away in the pool. now...











now, i'm 1500 miles away from them. it breaks my heart everyday. but, i knew that we were going to graduate and go our separate ways. it's just like sometimes you just have to stop and think .... what happened? we were just in college and now.. we're grown-ups! woah! ;)
but i don't miss the homework!

i think about you guys everday! love!

you never know....

something i've learned since being in LA, you never know who (mainly celbs!) the day will bring. whether it's running into michael cera at cafe 101 or wrapping elliot yamin's christmas presents at pottery barn, you must always be ready to encounter the celeb species. like a vulture, i've been celeb stalking since i've been here, but the thing is, i always run into them when i least expect it. case in point, sunday while hustling down ventura to get into urban outfitters to stock up on sale priced hipster clothes, i noticed a very casually dressed female walking towards me and my friends, john and kris. (now, i have to give you some background. kris (allen) did in fact win american idol two seasons ago so now this upcoming story will make more sense.) she passes us then quickly says "kris?" we all three stop and stare at each other. none of us knew who she was. she then took off her giant sunglasses and we all (in our heads, of course!) said "ooohhh!" it was miss kara dioguardi. this was the first time i was "introduced" to a celb, and let me tell you, it was really cool! :)

i share this story for two reasons. one -- i think it's amazing that celbs fill the streets incognito every day and i probably walk past 3 or 4 daily but have no idea. that doesn't happen in arkansas, and it's something i'm still trying to get used to. two-- i want you to know that celebs are so normal, it's crazy. i mean yes, they're normal people and i know this-- but we've all been lead to think they are "snobs" or that they hate people talking to them in public. false. they've all been amazingly nice as well as so genuine. even when i talked to a few of them saying in enjoyed their movie or that it was really nice to meet them, they've been so obliged and showered me with kindness. so props to celebs for being cool and "normal."

ps- i will stay on celeb watch while i'm here and definitely keep you informed of any encounters! :) 

dreams.

so i've been working like crazy these past few weeks and i haven't really had time to think about anything...but something hit me really hard the other night and i've been pondering over it ever since.  john and i's friend kris is in town and we went to dinner the other night with a lot of creative minds. so, we're sitting at dinner and we're going around the table doing the whole "general introduction" thing, the "so how long have you been in LA?, what do you want to do?" questions. the entire table had amazing dreams and stories. they are writers, musicians, actors... then it got to me. i looked around the table and thought i don't fit. i said "i don't know." this is when kris quickly chimed in and said "yes she does, she wants to work for TOMS"

ok, not that i had forgotten what i want to do, or even that i don't want to do it anymore, it just seems like sometimes i don't deserve this city. this city is where people come to chase dreams, to become something. and i'm here, not in the industry, not doing anything cool like making my second album, writing music or acting. i feel like i'm not allowed to be here. like i'm taking up space that someone way cooler than me could be having. i mean i don't even know what i want to be when i grow up, i don't know where to focus my energy or what dream to follow. i mean yes, i want to work for TOMS, more than anything in this world. that is the dream i'm following. but its not like i grew up with this dream. i feel like everyone here has been chasing after this one things since they were a child. they've been doing what they do for years, but me, i have nothing to show, no childhood stories of my first band when i was a teenager or teaching myself to play and instrument or my first song i wrote on a napkin. no videos of my plays or theatre productions or an acting reel of me doing commercials or modeling shots. all i have is a paper degree, and a year under my belt at united way.

don't get me wrong, i know not everyone is meant to be one of these things or in the "industry" but when you live in a town that is literally a mecca for writers, actors, musicians, it's to be expected that i might feel like this. i love it here. best. city. ever. but for me to be here, i mean really be here i need to follow my dream full force. i mean i know i just blogged about taking steps and not forgetting why i'm here but i really have to do this thing, and not give up. i need to be like the struggling actor or the musician who takes any gig just to have a show. i need realize that even though my dream isn't going to win me a grammy or an oscar, it's MY dream and it will make ME happy and i can be happy in this city. i belong here. at least for now! :)

i've been thinking, over thinking.

sometimes i stress myself out to the point of not sleeping. it's a terrible habit, i know, but i can't help it. i've always been this way. it's like i can't shut my mind off at night and i just lay and think and lay and think and lay and think and then, before i know it, the sun is up and it's time to start another day. for about four days last week this happened to me every single night. i was a walking zombie for days on end. i'm stressed about money. money, money, money. i know this is a very present issue for most people, but it never really was for me. growing up, my parents provided me with everything. i went to college and graduated debt free thanks to scholarships and then immediately started a well paying job in conway and was very financially secure. i had it made.

i then decided i was going to move out here and yes, there probably should have been a tad more saving on my end (ok, ok, a TON more saving on my end) but honestly i had no idea it would be so different. the most i ever paid for rent in arkansas was $300. here i pay $450, and i don't even have my own bedroom and i share a bathroom with a boy (gross! lol!).  i figured, oh, i'll work a part-time job and i can easily get enough money for rent and bills, no biggie. YEAH RIGHT! i work two, yes TWO, part-time jobs averaging 40 hours a week making above minimum wage and i am barely making ends meet. but, i am. i am making ends meet. bills are getting paid, groceries are being bought, rent is taken care of, yet at night i still feel unsettled. i re-live my day and think "maybe i shouldn't have spent that dollar at wetzel's pretzel's "(for you arkansans, OMG it's so good!) or "maybe i shouldn't have driven to target to look around because i wasted gas."  these are something i never would have though about back at home, yet now it seems this is all that's on my mind.

maybe it's me growing up. i've realized since being here, i have me, and no one else to rely on. it was my choice to leave my cushy life back home for an adventure and never knowing what the day brings. yes, money is tight. no, i can't just spend, spend, spend. but, i'm happy. i, me, moved away from everything i've ever known with less that a sufficient amount of money, got two jobs, an awesome apartment, and proved to myself just how strong i really am. i know that no matter what is thrown my way, i'll be ok. everyday is a life lesson for me, and that in it of itself is worth more than paper money any day.

once i realized this, i've been sleeping like a baby. i just need to stop over thinking. :)

reality bites.

i have my days when i wonder what it is that i'm doing here. i came out here with a dream to work for TOMS shoes. if you've been living under a rock for the past 3 years and have no idea what TOMS is, i suggest you go here...www.toms.com . this company = amazing. hence why i want to work for them so bad.

i was so gung-ho when i got here. I just knew that the fourth time applying was going to be a charm; but it wasn't. they didn't give me the internship and i am, to say the least, disappointed. my biggest fear after they said no and i got my retail jobs was that i would get "comfortable" and forget why i came here. today, i realized my fear has become reality. 

as i fluffed pillows at pottery barn, a customer walked in wearing the TOMS wedges. i stopped for a second. i hadn't really thought about TOMS in a while but for some reason seeing the shoes jolted me back into reality. i feel like i've been sleepwalking the past few weeks, working endless hours at a mall. i literally don't leave my bubble in the valley and i don't do anything but work, eat and sleep. i am a routine person, but even this is crazy for me. i have entered into a comfort zone and that my friends, scares me more than anything. i came out here to live everyday as an adventure, to never know what the day brings, to have some spice and some variety; and here i am working two retail jobs and spending 6 days a week inside of a shopping mall. i can't remember the last time i did anything pro-active towards my TOMS dream. so today i decided that i will bust out of my bubble and remember why it is that i am out here. yes, i need the money and i know that i should be thankful i even have A job, much less 2 during this stressful economy but i can't let it take over my life. so.. with all of you as my accountability partners, i do promise to do something WEEKLY to further pursue my dream of working for TOMS. Now, can you do the same thing with your dreams? Please.

i leave you with my favorite quote.


"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." - Mark Twain

Things you never think you'll miss...

So there are obvious things I miss in Arkansas like my fam and my besties, but there are three things that I miss oh so much.

1. Chick-fil-a
2. Sonic
3. Wal-Mart

Ok, I know what you're thinking, You're thinking that those things aren't that big of a deal and that you'd be fine without them. But, you'd be surprised when three main staples of your life are taken away cold turkey. Luckily, all three of these things are in a town, Durante, which is about 28.9 miles away. This shouldn't be a long drive, but since it takes me 20 minutes to get 4 miles to work because of traffic, going to Durante is more like a mission to the moon, so needless to say, these trips don't happen very often.

I wouldn't have even known my "big three" (as I like to call them!) were so close if John and I wouldn't have gone to Vegas. On our way at 2 am we passed through Durante, I screamed when I saw the red glow of the Chick-fil-a sign. John almost wrecked the car into the concrete  median and I apologized for my behavior but I was so excited. He just shook his head. A few seconds went by and I saw the sign for Sonic, and again freaked out! Could it be, two things I've been dying for in one place. That's when I saw it. Wal-mart, in all it's Arkansas glory. But I noticed something. It was closed. Not closed for good, but closed for the night. I was confused. Then I realized that it was just Wal-Mart. No supercenter, 24 hour goodness here. So, I mentioned this to a friend who grew up here and she told me about how she went to Arizona once and walked into a Wal-Mart Supercenter for the first time and she said she freaked out and took pictures and sent them to all of her friends. This was so funny to me because I haven't been in just a Wal-Mart in years. Literally, like 4 years.    I haven't gotten to go into the Wal-Mart yet seeing as how it was closed, but as soon as I get a chance, you best believe that I'm going and I WILL take pictures. :)

On the way home from Vegas I convinced everyone to hold their hunger for 3 hours so we could eat at Chick-fil-a and let me tell you, I was starving and grumpy when we got there but as soon as my teeth sank in to my chicken sandwich and I took my first sip of Lemonade was more than OK!

Now to the best part of my story. Yes, I WAS going somewhere will all of this! The point is John said something about Sonic Happy Hour and I almost burst into tears thinking of my Route 44 Diet Vanilla Coke and how much I missed our daily afternoon relationship. Then that night, Ramsy sends me a text from Conway telling me about a new Red Velvet Cheesecake Blast and I lost it. That was it. I looked at John and he knew, he knew we were about to make the trek to Durante. So we set the GPS to the nearest Sonic and headed out. Good new is it was about 9:45 on a Thursday night and traffic was minimal so it only took us about 45 minutes! When we pulled into the the drive in stall, my heart melted. I felt home for the first time in a long time, and I don't care how corny that sounds!

It's the little things that get me everyday and that day, Sonic totally MADE my day! :)